Joseph, Jesus' step-dad

In my ongoing contemplation regarding biblical anecdotes as mythic explanations of biological occurrences, I am struck, "Why does Joseph get no play in the Bible?" I mean this guy is totally smacked. He must have been the most easy going, forgiving man that ever lived, we’ll at least the second. Think what this poor guy must have had to endure beginning with Mary coming home pregnant and being all, “Now Joe, I know this looks bad but I can explain.” But he was a carpenter, he worked on a construction site, can you imagine the grief he took from his carpenter buddies on the job as he is trying to explain this?

Joseph shaking his head nonchalantly “Oh no man, you got it all wrong, it’s totally cool, it was God.”

The other carpenters are like, “So what you’re saying is your “virgin” (perhaps the first use of air quotes ever) fiancée is pregnant with God’s progeny.”

Joseph: “Exactly.”

Carpenters: “So you’re saying God banged your fiancée”

Joseph: “No, no, no, this angel Gabriel, I don’t know his last name, came down from heaven,”
Joseph is gesticulating with arms stretched upward but getting flustered,
“and….well….did something…,” (doing spirit fingers) “…some magicky thing, but there was no touching, seriously, and like a minute later she was…ahhh, you know…with Messiah.”

There is a long pause until one of the carpenters with his head tilted to one side looking perplexed says, “So..., en vitro?”

“No man totally, totally untouched.” Joseph says clearly annoyed

Carpenters: “Was it in a sterile area?”

Joseph: “Well I’m not sure if it was sterile but it was very, very clean.”

Carpenters: “So what happens now?”

Joseph: “Well, we know it’s a boy,” grumblings of approval, “and I think we have to go to Bethlehem sometime in December.”

Carpeners: “Oi, is it ever busy that time of year you should book ahead.”

Joseph: “I’ve never had a problem before I usually just book a room when we arrive. Anyway after he is born I’ll raise him like my own, teach him the trade, emphasizing how to join wood at a 90 degree angle, until he decides to go forth preaching love and forgiveness.”

Carpenters: “Cool.”

Joseph: “Yeah, but the Romans will kill him for that.”

Carpenters: “Yikes.”

Joseph: "But he’ll rise from the dead on the third day."

Carpenters: "So wait a minute, is he dead or alive now?"

Joseph: "Well both."

Carpenters: "So is he a zombie Christ?"

Joseph: "More like a Holy Ghost."

A collective “ahhhhh” is uttered by the carpenters.

"See he has to die so he can become God,” Joseph continues to explain

Carpenters: "But he is God’s son"

Joseph: "Right."

Carpenters: "So wait a minute, is he God or the son of God?"

Joseph: "Well both…and like I said a Holy Ghost too."

Carpenters: “Then is he dethroning God, replacing him or like mushing into him?”

Joseph: “Mushing I think”

Carpenters: “So let's see if we have this straight. Your still technically undefiled fiancée is pregnant with the son of God via the angel Gabriel who did some magicky angely no touching stuff. Mary will bear the Messiah, who will preach about love until the Romans kill him at which point he will rise from the dead and become God, who is his father, through some sort of mushing process and live in the kingdom of heaven."

Joseph: "Yep."

Carpenters: "Seems like being a Jew will get pretty complicated."

Joseph: "Well about that….”

After some more explanation one of the carpenters-actually the construction manager who had wandered over to see if there was some sort of union work stopage going on says,

“This seems like an amazing business plan to gain traction for a fledgling religion.”

Joseph: “Sure does, but it’s really the marketing plan, I think the business plan will have more to do with making folks give ten percent of there gross adjusted income and then having a few wars, albeit Holy ones, controlling the masses through strong association with the prevailing political entity and some good old fashioned empire building in an effort to add overall value to God by more efficiently preaching a message of love.”

Carpenters: “So gotta name yet?”