Dentomatrix

Dentists are quasi doctors, which I believe leaves many of them a bit insecure. Lots of dentists demand they be called Doctor, my real doctor, the one with whom I have a tenuous relationship, couldn't care less if I called her Fucker. Dentists have about a year of med school, the first one, which is really a review of basic biology and human anatomy–––think personal trainer certification with the dissection of a human hand and an eyeball thrown in. Thereafter the specialization comes where they are moved into the complex, rough and tumble world of teeth and gums, learning techniques like using the words “open” and “spit” as well as the intricate and subtle psychological tactics used in convincing patients to floss.

For instance phrases such as, “You know the tartar that builds up under your gums as a result of not flossing causes cardiac distress, Alzheimer’s, impotence and takes nearly a decade off your life.”

“OK Doctor (air quotes, clear throat, and roll eyes) so you’re sayin’ to avoid premature death, senility and erectile dysfunction I need to spend 5-10 minutes a day scraping my gums with fishing line until they are a pulpy, bleeding mash leaving several of my finger tips a bit gangrenous.”

Given the staggering rates of dementia and the fact that Pfizer never has to make another drug after Viagra and will remain profitable for all eternity I think we can see how well the whole floss campaign is going.

But I like really dentists, they are fun, my dentist is also gay making him extra fun, but it is the hygienists who are a truly special treat. Perky girls built for customer service with mad flossing skills. The difference between who becomes a stripper and who becomes a hygienist is determined by flossing versus pole dancing skills. My hygienist claims the mantle of “Best Flosser Ever.” Really. Upon completion of my teeth she always asks me, “How was that for you,” like it was a lap dance. Honestly I can do it better myself, which I’ve thought after a lap dance too, but always the charmer I express my profound joy at having her latex covered fingers shoved deeply into my mouth which oddly brings to mind other specialists in the sex industry.

Today my dentist tells me I need several fillings replaced, four to be exact because they are over 20 years old, I think about this, I have fillings in my mouth the same age or older than people having their first legal drink of alcohol who have been voting and possibly in the armed services for three years. Two of these fillings will need to become crowns, which makes me feel old. Old people get crowns or that may be bridges, yes, I believe it is bridges. OK, I’m old but not bridge old, this is good news. So I will get a crown, like a king, cool, or two crowns in this case, I’m sure Kings had more than one crown, one for really dressy occasions and one for everyday puttering about the castle. All good.

I discuss this procedure with my wife who immediately asks, “What is that going to cost?” I explain the economic impact while not insignificant will be greatly underwritten by my hefty academic benefits package. “How much?” she asks in an irritated tone. I believe she sensed I did not answer her question directly.

“Ahh sssseessundreummmm something” I respond.

“Six hundred dollars, are you fucking mad,” she shouts.

I do not think I should be taken to task over basic dental care but I would do exactly the same thing to her. We are a parsimonious duo. She contemplates this for another moment and suggests dentistry is a major racket defending this declaration with, “You don't really need teeth.” Since the majority of my nutrition is ingested in liquid form I can accept this may be true but contemplating the visual ramifications, with vanity always being the trump card, I cannot be moved to sacrifice a few teeth to save money. Using this logic I suggest she not purchase her Armani make-up and Swiss skin care products for a month…discussion over.

Without access to this bargaining chip what would the result have been? I am thinking of our kid at age 8.

“Ahh sweetie I know the other kids make fun of you but you don't really need braces. Mommy says you don’t even need teeth, plus they are like seven grand so I have to agree with her. Listen honey we love you but daddy’s Cayenne needs new rims, you’ll be fine, you just tell the other kids those extra teeth are an evolutionary advance…for eating lawyers. Kay sweetie."